I Failed My First Love

I just could not get rid off the fact that my first love is a complete failure. Of all the things that I’ve done my first love is a complete failure. I could not erase that from my memory. It has taken my life. I got anxiety because of it. I could not concentrate because of it.

Worser than my failed piano recital.

Worser than the failed gospel competition.

Worser than the failed class.

Worser than the failed presentation.

Those failures only affect me for a little while.

But none have affected me like this one.

I love you but I could not see you.

I love you but I could not talk to you.

I love you but I could not touch you.

I love you but that’s the only thing I can say.

I love you but I cannot promise anything.


Forget You

This is going to be my long long suffering.

I tried to forget, but I couldn’t.

I tried to not to fall, but I fail to do so.

I want to erase you but I cannot whipe you out of my memory.

I look up on a view but my eyes could not distract your image.

Why is it hard to forget you?

There is no fea…

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 John 4:18

but perfect love casts out fear 

I used to be scared for being in love and to give love.

But for him, only him, I don’t fear and not afraid.

That I now understand that God has given me the Gift of Perfect Love.

The Love that casts out fear.

A June Reflection

I don’t know what happen to me in the past 2-3 days, but there are things that will always be a burden to me, that is thinking of him. Once that I got my internship I feel highly excited and motivated, but then I feel an unexplainable loneliness, and then my insecurities and worry come out-out of the blue. It made me sick and almost had a flu, but then I tried to regain myself again.

Loving him, made me learn to love God.

Because the way that I love him, it is almost about the same as any spiritual religious experience to love God.

The first few times after I met him I feel close, loved, and intimate, the happy moments.

And after that I have to trust,  have faith, persevere, and be patience for him and applicable to the way I have to treat My God, My Beloved Lover.

I have to wait for him to answer my messages, and when he does my heart fonder. The same way I pray to God, and when He answers my prayers, I feel joy.

I wait patiently to meet him again sometime, the same as I have to wait patiently for heaven, to see my true beloved Lover.

I do not want to hurt him and make him disappointed, the same way I have to love my God and not make him hurt and feel disappointed because of my actions, thoughts, or ignorance.

There are times that I feel that I don’t deserve his love and His love, because of my own insecurities and doubt, but I have to learn just to surrender, trust, and have faith in what the Lord, my God, my Beloved Lover intentions in teaching me and showing me the way by loving him.



These 4 different types are mostly ignored by most pray-ers, except for the last one, supplication.  Supplication means to ask for favors.  Adoration is the best type of prayer, because you are adoring God for what He is – Everlasting, Almighty, All Knowing, All Holy, All Good, All Powerful, The Best Father Ever, etc.  Contrition is the next best, because you are expressing sorrow for your sins. Remember the tax collector in Luke 18 who beat his breast saying “Have mercy on me a sinner”.  Jesus said that he went home justified, while the self righteous Pharisee did not.  The third type of prayer, Thanksgiving, is also very important.  How do we feel when we go the extra mile for someone else’s benefit and they don’t even come back to thank us? Jesus cured 10 lepers, but only one came back to thank him in Luke 17:15-16. This was not seen as a positive by Jesus. We all have received many favors from God, so let’s all take a vow to start thanking Him for them all, right now. 


The truth is that the people who use all 4 types of prayer from the heart have more of a chance of getting their prayers answered than those who just ask for stuff all of the time, like God is some kind of celestial slot machine – You put a few prayers in, and out comes the jackpot, as ordered.  Of course, the real purpose of prayer is not that God should be united to our will here on earth, but that we should be united to His will in Heaven.  The prayers “Thy will be done” and “be it done to me according to thy word” were given to us by Jesus and Mary.  We should not only imitate them in saying these prayers ourselves, but we should also really desire the meaning of these prayers in our lives.

I.Must.Resist : Envying

Things that I Must Resist:

  1. I must resist envying other people

Well basically that is the only one thing that I must resist.

Envying on other people’s life means not being grateful to oneself. It is hard to do, it is hard not envying on others. I envy on people who I feel “better” than me.  Well maybe it is hard to explain what “better” means.

The thing is:

I don’t envy people who are smarter than me.

I don’t envy people who are prettier than me.

I don’t envy people who are richer than me.

But I envy on the people WHO GOT IT ALL or the people who does not got it all but in a POSITION THAT I WANT.

People who got it all are the people who are born with good looks, a sharp brain, and born in a wealthy family. They are so lucky. They can achieve all 3 things that are better than me.

But I should not envy on them (well I will try), because:

1. Good looks

Good looks are relative and it is God given. I cannot blame people who have good looks.

2. Sharp brain

It is also God given. I know those people make an effort to succeed in their life. So it is both God given and man’s works.

3. Wealth

We cannot choose where we are born, and I must always remember that it is their parent who are rich, not them.

Okay, once again I must say that I still envy those people, because those people have better opportunity than most people. They are more likely go to the top schools, well I think that the thing that I am envying is that those people can have better life than most average people. THE “I WANT TO BE IN THEIR POSITION” type of envy. The “If I Could Be Like Them, My Life Would Be So Much Wonderful” type of envy. Maybe it is because I see it as an unfairness. It is unfair that some people could HAVE IT ALL. Why does those people could have it all? Why are they born so lucky?

And if I see myself, would people think I am also lucky? Would there be people who also envying on me? I don’t know. I think it is human nature that we want the best for our life. We want to have a perfect life. That we simply want the best for ourselves. That we see others as competition.