A June Reflection

I don’t know what happen to me in the past 2-3 days, but there are things that will always be a burden to me, that is thinking of him. Once that I got my internship I feel highly excited and motivated, but then I feel an unexplainable loneliness, and then my insecurities and worry come out-out of the blue. It made me sick and almost had a flu, but then I tried to regain myself again.

Loving him, made me learn to love God.

Because the way that I love him, it is almost about the same as any spiritual religious experience to love God.

The first few times after I met him I feel close, loved, and intimate, the happy moments.

And after that I have to trust,  have faith, persevere, and be patience for him and applicable to the way I have to treat My God, My Beloved Lover.

I have to wait for him to answer my messages, and when he does my heart fonder. The same way I pray to God, and when He answers my prayers, I feel joy.

I wait patiently to meet him again sometime, the same as I have to wait patiently for heaven, to see my true beloved Lover.

I do not want to hurt him and make him disappointed, the same way I have to love my God and not make him hurt and feel disappointed because of my actions, thoughts, or ignorance.

There are times that I feel that I don’t deserve his love and His love, because of my own insecurities and doubt, but I have to learn just to surrender, trust, and have faith in what the Lord, my God, my Beloved Lover intentions in teaching me and showing me the way by loving him.

I.Must.Resist : Envying

Things that I Must Resist:

  1. I must resist envying other people

Well basically that is the only one thing that I must resist.

Envying on other people’s life means not being grateful to oneself. It is hard to do, it is hard not envying on others. I envy on people who I feel “better” than me.  Well maybe it is hard to explain what “better” means.

The thing is:

I don’t envy people who are smarter than me.

I don’t envy people who are prettier than me.

I don’t envy people who are richer than me.

But I envy on the people WHO GOT IT ALL or the people who does not got it all but in a POSITION THAT I WANT.

People who got it all are the people who are born with good looks, a sharp brain, and born in a wealthy family. They are so lucky. They can achieve all 3 things that are better than me.

But I should not envy on them (well I will try), because:

1. Good looks

Good looks are relative and it is God given. I cannot blame people who have good looks.

2. Sharp brain

It is also God given. I know those people make an effort to succeed in their life. So it is both God given and man’s works.

3. Wealth

We cannot choose where we are born, and I must always remember that it is their parent who are rich, not them.

Okay, once again I must say that I still envy those people, because those people have better opportunity than most people. They are more likely go to the top schools, well I think that the thing that I am envying is that those people can have better life than most average people. THE “I WANT TO BE IN THEIR POSITION” type of envy. The “If I Could Be Like Them, My Life Would Be So Much Wonderful” type of envy. Maybe it is because I see it as an unfairness. It is unfair that some people could HAVE IT ALL. Why does those people could have it all? Why are they born so lucky?

And if I see myself, would people think I am also lucky? Would there be people who also envying on me? I don’t know. I think it is human nature that we want the best for our life. We want to have a perfect life. That we simply want the best for ourselves. That we see others as competition.

M.Suge.

I Want A Normal Life

My life is not normal.

I wish it was normal but it isn’t.

My head is hurting right now and before I write this post.

I just don’t know where to start.

The only thing that I could say is just I have to carry a heavy burden each day for the rest of my life.

Not just I have to carry a cross in my neck for the rest of my life, but I also have to carry a heavy cross in my life.

The sad part is I don’t know with whom I can share this burden.

My life is hard to explain.

Just too many things happen.

I just cannot concentrate in school and classes.

I cannot study.

I cannot work on projects.

All of this happen beyond my control.

I know what it feels now to be CHOSEN.

To be the anointed one.

To be called by God.

To be the “SPECIAL” one.

I just do not understand God’s plan in my life.

WHY IS THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

THIS IS BEYOND MY CONTROL.

God, I want to cry to You everyday.

GOD, help me…..

Help me through my classes.

Help me through my life.

I want to start over from freshman year if I can.

I miss too many stuffs from my class.

I don’t know where to start.

AAA…………

Ups, Downs, & Reviving

I would say that my life is not so perfect, and I sometimes like to envy on other people for their fortune. I see my life as a total wreck and chaotic, and I wish it did not happen in my life. How I wish I could live other people’s life that I see as more fortunate than I am. I see that my life is pretty unusual and pretty much interesting like a roller coaster, but that does not mean that I am fortunate, it just my life is full of unexpected event. Really. I have my ups and downs, there are pretty much downs in my college life, even though there are lots of happiness and laughter, but I am not satisfied with my life. There is this ambitious monster living with me that wanted something more. I have a fear of failure that sometimes succumb me. It is very hard when I am living alone in college figuring out in my life what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do, and that there’s no one to help me to go through it and after all that depression and confusion that strangle my life. There could be no one to understand it even though I tell them my story. Or I do not want to tell them my story because I wanted to be strong. I hate vulnerability. There are times that I just want to end it all up. Call it quits. Let it be done. I wanted to give up, but I still hold onto it. That I know that I am not living my passion, but that a decision has to be made when I was 18, and the best decision was to be come up. That I do not know if that was a good decision or not, but my 18 year old self said that it was, that that decision was her dream, I don’t know if it still my dream, but it is her dream. Now, I have to do something about it.  I, like many of you Aliens, am just a normal average human being, not so great, that imperfections was not for me at all, even though I wanted to be perfect.

Reviving

I am down so many times, I don’t know where to start anymore, sometimes it seems hopeless, that I need a new change of phase in my life. But I can’t. The only thing that keeps me moving is when I visualize the great things that would come, that someday my dream will be a dream come true, and all this hope because God has promised me that He will give me a bright future, something that I never could imagine in my whole life. God gives me hope of a bright future, and I really really need it, especially in my hopeless wishes that seems could never come true. I have put my faith and trust in God’s hand. Oh I wish that You could tell me what I have to do, I wish You could tell me what is my future like. I feel amazed that God, You could say such things, promise me so many things, that it seems the future for You is definite, when all my friends said that the future was never predestined, but I think my friends are somewhat not entirely true. I see that You have arranged my life for me, that You said Yourself that You have a plan for me. That in Your hands You have the bigger picture of my life, that You hold my life, that for You, I am a precious human, that You love so much, and You understand all my feelings. Yes, the only thing that put me in strength is God’s promises, without Your promises I would go ashtray, I would have no hope, but You strengthen me each day. God, I do not know what I could do without You.

Missing

Dear God, I miss him. I am talking about the guy that You intended to give me. You promised me a year earlier, You showed me a year after, but after that You send him away. Yes, I miss him, God, I do not know when I will going to see him again. May it all be in Your hands God, I am trusting You.

Curious

I am curious with my 30 year old self. I wanted to see the future. I want to know where I live, what my career is like, to whom I marry. I want to know it all. I am really waiting  for my graduation. I am just super curious.

A Reason : Computer Science

I try to find my reasons of choosing Computer Science, this way it helps me to stay focus on my purpose and not regretting of my decision.

Well basically my ultimate reason is this:

I am sorry to say that I choose Computer Science not because my love for it, but because of the opportunity it offers.

Yes, they always say do it for LOVE, etc., but back then I know what I LOVE and I will be greatly happy if I am in that major, BUT there is NO OPPORTUNITY for me in that field, so I have to accept the fact , the reality, and make other choices that somehow in the future will be USEFUL.

I always have this ambitious attitude for myself, so I try to break the record, and I compare this within my family, at least to say my parents. My dad currently works from 6-5 every work days in a Petroleum company. He makes a lot of money in a Petroleum Company, but somehow I see something in my dad’s life that I don’t want to be. Yes, of course I want to have a lot of money and make a living out of myself, but I don’t want to just only working for a company, I want to OWN a company. I hate time clocks. I hate to leave early to avoid the traffic, and also leaving home in a traffic jam. I hate to be always a subordinate for the rest of my life, not able to do entirely of my will.

So that’s why I want to have a startup. Even though I work with some company I know I will not be able to stay long there, but …. there is some concern that I am thinking, that is my biological clock. I am a woman, and I know my “expired age” is like 29-30,  and by the age 25 and up I want to have a serious relationship with someone. That means I want to have a stable career somehow, and I think I might be scared to start my own startup by that age. The other thing is I might be too tired from work and afraid to left my job to focus on my dream. So I have set my own goal now and I am not afraid to do it. WHY?

  1. I am still in college, I don’t have the burden to make money YET.
  2. They don’t look at my GPA when looking for a job, so I probably have the tendency to be more “relax” on my GPA.
  3. I still have the resources that I needed in college, that’s why I want to try.
  4. I pretty much prefer to have a successful startup than going to grad school.
  5. I am not mentally ill anymore, no depression, no heart break, no stress.

What if it fails?

  1. I still have a story to tell in my job interview, it is a resume check!
  2. Experience is the best teacher, I am still young, if I fail, then try try again. Sometime it does not succeed in the first try, eventually if you are persistent you are going to succeed anyway.
  3. I am not afraid if I fail, because God promise me that I will have a bright future anyway, so He will bless me in my work.

Why didn’t I start earlier?

  1. I was unsure of my decision. I was mentally unstable. I had a big dream, but I was afraid, I did not know what to do at that time.
  2. I had severe depression in my second year so I was confuse of many things in my life, I lost interest in life, I can’t study, I can’t focus, I don’t know myself, I was like,”What am I doing in my life? Am I taking the right route?” I even forget my reason of choosing Computer Science. I was questioning if it were my passion. I try to get away. I try to find other routes, but still I am in Computer Science because my parents won’t let me change my major. I accept the fact and return for my third year.
  3. I recover from depression, but I still confuse of my life, I feel like I was in the dessert. I try many things still, but still no aim or goal. I had the  imposter syndrome, trying to flee from reality and hope that there’s some magic that can save me from this route that I am stuck with. I was unable to focus for a couple of months because of “something”. But now, I am relieve because of that “something” had gone away. It needed some time to recover like 2 months.

By majoring in Computer Science, I have the background for my startup, everything is about technology now. I was in pre business at that time and I realize that I don’t have  to have a business degree to start my own business. It was a very risky decision, I was really really betting my future on something that I just come up with or dream with in an unknown field that I just heard for less than 6 months. I am pretty sure I don’t know what I am getting myself into. So there I was up until now in Computer Science, a risky decision that I made when I was 18.

So that is the summary of my journey after I left high school. I have found what I was searching for, it needed time and also many thoughts and trials but somehow I feel alive again.

Now I feel excited. This is going to be a great journey.