I would say that my life is not so perfect, and I sometimes like to envy on other people for their fortune. I see my life as a total wreck and chaotic, and I wish it did not happen in my life. How I wish I could live other people’s life that I see as more fortunate than I am. I see that my life is pretty unusual and pretty much interesting like a roller coaster, but that does not mean that I am fortunate, it just my life is full of unexpected event. Really. I have my ups and downs, there are pretty much downs in my college life, even though there are lots of happiness and laughter, but I am not satisfied with my life. There is this ambitious monster living with me that wanted something more. I have a fear of failure that sometimes succumb me. It is very hard when I am living alone in college figuring out in my life what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do, and that there’s no one to help me to go through it and after all that depression and confusion that strangle my life. There could be no one to understand it even though I tell them my story. Or I do not want to tell them my story because I wanted to be strong. I hate vulnerability. There are times that I just want to end it all up. Call it quits. Let it be done. I wanted to give up, but I still hold onto it. That I know that I am not living my passion, but that a decision has to be made when I was 18, and the best decision was to be come up. That I do not know if that was a good decision or not, but my 18 year old self said that it was, that that decision was her dream, I don’t know if it still my dream, but it is her dream. Now, I have to do something about it. I, like many of you Aliens, am just a normal average human being, not so great, that imperfections was not for me at all, even though I wanted to be perfect.
I am down so many times, I don’t know where to start anymore, sometimes it seems hopeless, that I need a new change of phase in my life. But I can’t. The only thing that keeps me moving is when I visualize the great things that would come, that someday my dream will be a dream come true, and all this hope because God has promised me that He will give me a bright future, something that I never could imagine in my whole life. God gives me hope of a bright future, and I really really need it, especially in my hopeless wishes that seems could never come true. I have put my faith and trust in God’s hand. Oh I wish that You could tell me what I have to do, I wish You could tell me what is my future like. I feel amazed that God, You could say such things, promise me so many things, that it seems the future for You is definite, when all my friends said that the future was never predestined, but I think my friends are somewhat not entirely true. I see that You have arranged my life for me, that You said Yourself that You have a plan for me. That in Your hands You have the bigger picture of my life, that You hold my life, that for You, I am a precious human, that You love so much, and You understand all my feelings. Yes, the only thing that put me in strength is God’s promises, without Your promises I would go ashtray, I would have no hope, but You strengthen me each day. God, I do not know what I could do without You.
Dear God, I miss him. I am talking about the guy that You intended to give me. You promised me a year earlier, You showed me a year after, but after that You send him away. Yes, I miss him, God, I do not know when I will going to see him again. May it all be in Your hands God, I am trusting You.
I am curious with my 30 year old self. I wanted to see the future. I want to know where I live, what my career is like, to whom I marry. I want to know it all. I am really waiting for my graduation. I am just super curious.