So it has been awhile since I had not written anything in my blog. Yeah things are a bit complicated these past 3 years, not to mention this past 6 months that has just happened. It took me awhile to understand, to become anew, to become a different person, to be strong, to be stable with my self, to understand myself, yet people look at me still as my old self, maybe only a few close friends notice the difference. But I don’t care what people say about me. Really. They could gossip me all around, but they won’t know what is really happening in my life. My situation is a bit complicated, it is hard to explain, and I guess not everyone could understand and accept it. Yeah …. it is hard being me, I guess. But I am grateful though, I don’t have to do any physical hardship or financial hardship in my life, but well … emotional hardship.
I have too many weaknesses, that I now can say that I am no better than the people that I talked badly about or the people who I look down. I am worse than them, and I don’t do a better job than them, or have a bigger brain than them, or even nicer than them, I simply can say I am no better than everybody else.
God teach me all that the hard way. Everything the hard way, to make me understand, to make me think, to make me change, and then I realize, I reflected, I think, and then I change, to become anew.
I remember myself being this ignorant child, I don’t care about people’s feelings, I don’t care about everybody else, I don’t care mostly about everything, all of it is just about me. Yeah my selfish selfish self. I was prideful, unstable, worry too much, ambitious, angry, hating people, condescending, childish, disharmony, I have bad childhood memory, too boyish, rigid, bad behavior, afraid of guys, emotional, no sense of direction, hating myself, ungrateful and many negative traits. I am just so bad. Those stuff happen to me because there are many things that were unfulfilled in my childhood until high school. Before that I thought that my life was just perfect, was in harmony, that what I experience in my home was the same like everybody else, that my personality was acceptable, that I was normal like everybody else, but then I realized, I am not. All my negative traits was a result of the things that I am not happy about in my life and I was living in a worldly family.
My family never bring holiness in the family, we never talked about religion and stuff, we were lukewarm. And I always long for a family that bring Jesus in everyday life. Yes, the true source of brokenness in my family is because we were never close to God. My parents have different beliefs, and my dad does not have a strong relationship with God, he never interested in understanding God more, he is a lukewarm, even though I tried to make him want to put religion first, he does not care. He is in his worldly view. My mother has to suffer because of this. She has to be in a religion she believe in secretly, and then try to make the kids believe in her belief. My dad has committed many sins that made the family struggle and fall into brokenness. But the first sin that greatly make my family fall into brokenness is because my dad do not put God in his life. Because of this, he did acknowledge the pain that he suffered in his childhood and does not repair and reflected on it. He did not understand the importance of the Holy Matrimony Sacrament, he did not know how to lead a family towards God, he could not make his wife understand his own religion, he did not know how to care a child with love, he did not know the sins that he do by having porn and watching porn, he did not know how to take care of the kids and his wife in the eye of religion. My dad and mom have different principles. They were young, stupid, and foolish to marry each other. Sometimes I think that they marry the wrong person. And I believe that you could marry the wrong person, and love sound stupid and foolish, I believe that you could not just marry a person only because of love, that is stupid and foolish.
I believe that a person has to repair his or her brokenness first, and all of that could be fulfilled by always putting God in his or her life. Never ever let yourself be with a person who are broken, and never ever let yourself be with someone when you are still broken. Never put someone in your brokenness. Go repair yourself, be the best of His children. Never marry someone emotionally, never marry in a young age, never marry someone until yourself and your partner are close to God. You don’t want your children to suffer because of your sinfulness and your brokenness.
Yeah so, I feel anew right now, I feel peaceful and content. I feel normal. I feel I want to be beautiful and feminine, the things that I always hinder. I feel God has a plan for me, and I believe and trust God, that everything in this world is nothing compare to Him, that everything in this world shall pass except His word, and I know God’s love for me is never ending, He will always be my side forever, and His love never fails. Even though I still could not understand, I still could not see, that many things are just impossible in my eyes, but it’s God, He has his own way, that I just don’t understand, and I cannot test and tell God what to do in my way, that my way is not His way, and God is my Father, He knows what’s best for me. He will give anything if it is meant to be.