I was underestimated. Pushed by the end of my dignity. I humbly humbly thanks The Lord because He is given me the people to make me humble, the people who look down on me.

I need to copy his words:

Fight Back

I need to fight back whenever and wherever I am bullied, underestimated, and pushed to the bottom of my own dignityI am strong enough to stand tall facing all the challenges in front of me eventhough I keep bumping into the roadblocks

I am not afraid to dream big which will probably make me look small in others’ eyes because I know exactly who I am and what I can do

Nooone.. Nobody.. could stop me from believing in myself

If anyone read this, I want you to push yourself more
That’s what exactly I will do – Pushing myself to the limit

Let’s dream big..


A June Reflection

I don’t know what happen to me in the past 2-3 days, but there are things that will always be a burden to me, that is thinking of him. Once that I got my internship I feel highly excited and motivated, but then I feel an unexplainable loneliness, and then my insecurities and worry come out-out of the blue. It made me sick and almost had a flu, but then I tried to regain myself again.

Loving him, made me learn to love God.

Because the way that I love him, it is almost about the same as any spiritual religious experience to love God.

The first few times after I met him I feel close, loved, and intimate, the happy moments.

And after that I have to trust,  have faith, persevere, and be patience for him and applicable to the way I have to treat My God, My Beloved Lover.

I have to wait for him to answer my messages, and when he does my heart fonder. The same way I pray to God, and when He answers my prayers, I feel joy.

I wait patiently to meet him again sometime, the same as I have to wait patiently for heaven, to see my true beloved Lover.

I do not want to hurt him and make him disappointed, the same way I have to love my God and not make him hurt and feel disappointed because of my actions, thoughts, or ignorance.

There are times that I feel that I don’t deserve his love and His love, because of my own insecurities and doubt, but I have to learn just to surrender, trust, and have faith in what the Lord, my God, my Beloved Lover intentions in teaching me and showing me the way by loving him.

A May Reflection

So it has been awhile since I had not written anything in my blog. Yeah things are a bit complicated these past 3 years, not to mention this past 6 months that has just happened. It took me awhile to understand, to become anew, to become a different person, to be strong, to be stable with my self, to understand myself, yet people look at me still as my old self, maybe only a few close friends notice the difference. But I don’t care what people say about me. Really. They could gossip me all around, but they won’t know what is really happening in my life. My situation is a bit complicated, it is hard to explain, and  I guess not everyone could understand and accept it. Yeah …. it is hard being me, I guess. But I am grateful though, I don’t have to do any physical hardship or financial hardship in my life, but well … emotional hardship.

I have too many weaknesses, that I now can say that I am no better than the people that I talked badly about or the people who I look down. I am worse than them, and I don’t do a better job than them, or have a bigger brain than them, or even nicer than them, I simply can say I am no better than everybody else.

God teach me all that the hard way. Everything the hard way, to make me understand, to make me think, to make me change, and then I realize, I reflected, I think, and then I change, to become anew.

I remember myself being this ignorant child, I don’t care about people’s feelings, I don’t care about everybody else, I don’t care mostly about everything, all of it is just about me. Yeah my selfish selfish self. I was prideful, unstable, worry too much, ambitious, angry, hating people, condescending, childish, disharmony, I have bad childhood memory, too boyish,  rigid, bad behavior, afraid of guys, emotional, no sense of direction, hating myself, ungrateful and many negative traits. I am just so bad. Those stuff happen to me because there are many things that were unfulfilled in my childhood until high school. Before that I thought that my life was just perfect, was in harmony, that what I experience in my home was the same like everybody else, that my personality was acceptable, that I was normal like everybody else, but then I realized, I am not. All my negative traits was a result of the things that I am not happy about in  my life and I was living in a worldly family.

My family never bring holiness in the family, we never talked about religion and stuff, we were lukewarm. And I always long for a family that bring Jesus in everyday life. Yes, the true source of brokenness in my family is because we were never close to God. My parents have different beliefs, and my dad does not have a strong relationship with God, he never interested in understanding God more, he is a lukewarm, even though I tried to make him want to put religion first, he does not care. He is in his worldly view. My mother has to suffer because of this. She has to be in a religion she believe in secretly, and then try to make the kids believe in her belief. My dad has committed many sins that made the family struggle and fall into brokenness. But the first sin that greatly make my family fall into brokenness is because my dad do not put God in his life. Because of this, he did acknowledge the pain that he suffered in his childhood and does not repair and reflected on it. He did not understand the importance of the Holy Matrimony Sacrament, he did not know how to lead a family towards God, he could not make his wife understand his own religion, he did not know how to care a child with love, he did not know the sins that he do by having porn and watching porn, he did not know how to take care of the kids and his wife in the eye of religion. My dad and mom have different principles. They were young, stupid, and foolish to marry each other. Sometimes I think that they marry the wrong person. And I believe that you could marry the wrong person, and love sound stupid and foolish, I believe that you could not just marry a person only because of love, that is stupid and foolish.

I believe that a person has to repair his or her brokenness first, and all of that could be fulfilled by always putting God in his or her life. Never ever let yourself be with a person who are broken, and never ever let yourself be with someone when you are still broken. Never put someone in your brokenness. Go repair yourself, be the best of His children. Never marry someone emotionally, never marry in a young age, never marry someone until yourself and your partner are close to God. You don’t want your children to suffer because of your sinfulness and your brokenness.

Yeah so, I feel anew right now, I feel peaceful and content. I feel normal. I feel I want to be beautiful and feminine, the things that I always hinder. I feel God has a plan for me, and I believe and trust God, that everything in this world is nothing compare to Him, that everything in this world shall pass except His word, and I know God’s love for me is never ending, He will always be my side forever, and His love never fails. Even though I still could not understand, I still could not see, that many things are just impossible in my eyes, but it’s God, He has his own way, that I just don’t understand, and I cannot test and tell God what to do in my way, that my way is not His way, and God is my Father, He knows what’s best for me. He will give anything if it is meant to be.


Strengths and Weaknesses

Today, I am going to brainstorm all my strengths and weaknesses, because I need to acknowledge them in respect of finding out my life, to say, it is a way to find my core and values so I can be fruitful in the future.

I have once done some kind of a test with my fingers, it is called finger print test. The test shows the core strengths that was given to each person since the day they were born.

Here are the positive outcomes of the test result:

  1. Interpersonal : 12%
  2. Logic-Mathematics : 5%
  3. Linguistic : 3%

And the other traits that I am not so good at:

  1. Intrapersonal : -0.xx%
  2. Visual Spatial
  3. Musical
  4. Bodily Kinesthetic
  5. Naturalistic

I have been having trouble with this fact, because I really don’t understand myself. To say, I just could not see it in myself. Really. I did not know what it meant, especially my number 1 strength. I took the tests when I was 17 and I need 4 years to figure it out – to actually mean something – to actually understand it.

I conclude that these are my strengths and passions:

  1. I am very good at analyzing stuff, and making connections between events or some sorts. I could analyze different subjects, but what I love most is analyzing human behavior.
  2. I am good at making logical connections and explanations, and seeing details to try to figure a bigger picture.
  3. I like to see patterns and see how are things connected.
  4. I don’t get mad easily.
  5. I love to talk and telling stories. I am a story teller.
  6. I love to listen to other people’s stories. I am a listener.
  7. I love being the center of attention.
  8. I love being around people and I love being alone.
  9. I am good at making jokes.
  10. I am good at making words.
  11. I am exuberant.
  12. I am a right brain person.
  13. I think creatively.
  14. I could imagine stuff that outside this world.
  15. I love making decision, and then act on them.
  16. I love to manage people.
  17. I have a big sense of empathy. I could feel how other people felt.
  18. I love organizing people, but I love to work alone on things that I am extremely focus on.
  19. I don’t judge people that much.
  20. I am very positive towards things.
  21. I am an actuator.
  22. I am futuristic. I like to set goals.
  23. I am competitive.
  24. I am very confident when I feel relaxed.
  25. I dream big.
  26. I am good at acting and mimicking.
  27. I am excited at new things.
  28. I love challenges.
  29. I defend my friends.
  30. I can somewhat make mediocre drawings.
  31. I am more of a thinker than a doer.
  32. I love philosophical questions.
  33. I believe that nothing is impossible.
  34. I found myself to be wise sometimes.
  35. I can get close to the people I want.
  36. Fun personality.
  37. I think logically, analytically, strategically, and critically.
  38. I am a debater.
  39. I am faithful to God and to the ones I love.
  40. I love talking in front of people.
  41. I love being on stage.
  42. I am good at writing.

My weaknesses:

  1. I am not a practical person.
  2. I don’t like working with machines or natural things.
  3. I hate experiments.
  4. I got mood swings.
  5. I need time to adjust to things or environment.
  6. I am shy.
  7. I think too much.
  8. I over stressed myself.
  9. I hate being told to do.
  10. Impatient.
  11. Messy.
  12. Prideful, I guess.
  13. Take blame on someone else.
  14. Bad at sports.
  15. Bad at memorizing.
  16. Cannot handle to much work load.
  17. I hate history.
  18. I am not an art person.
  19. I am not very good at music.
  20. I am not a visual person. That means I am bad at architecture, designs, etc.
  21. I could be emotional.
  22. I cannot sing.
  23. I don’t feel confident when I feel like an imposter.
  24. I am good at math, bad at coding and algorithms. 😦
  25. I hate sciences, like physics, chemistry, and biology.
  26. Bad at engineering.
  27. I am not able to focus very long in a passive task.
  28. I easily trust people.
  29. I tend to forget things.
  30. I have trouble in figuring out what I want in life.
  31. I envy others’ success.
  32. Impolite, I guess.
  33. Procrastinator.
  34. I have a hard time explaining things to other people

After knowing all my strengths and weaknesses, if I were given a chance to turn back time and choose my major, I think I would be choosing something in these lines:

  1. Mathematics
  2. Statistics
  3. Economics
  4. Finance
  5. Psychology
  6. Marketing
  7. HR
  8. Communications

After I think about it, I used to think it is all about the money. In what area can I get money? But the right thing is, is not about the money. It is about doing what you like and the money will follow.

It is about being at the core of your strength, and with that you will do it energeticly and whole heartedly. Someday with that strength you will make people to follow you and give you money.

It is about enjoying life at something you like. Money will come after.

Where do I go from here?

I am pretty sad right now.

I just struck by reality that somehow before was an ignorance.

I didn’t care before with my surroundings and did not know what to do with my future.

I did not know myself before.

I screw up big time.

Now, I feel lost.

Don’t know where to go.

But, I still feel lucky that I have a decency to think clearly now with a stable emotion.

I just need a break from everything.

I wish I had time to explore myself more before.

The “I” when I was in high school was not the “I” now.

People change, reality change, dreams change.

Now I am lost.

What should I do? Where should I go?

God, I wish you just could speak to me and give me a sense of direction.

You, giving me free will –  sometimes I hate it.

A Reflect : 2 years time.

I have never been this normal in my life.

Yes, you heard it! I will say it again, I have never been this normal in my life.

Even though I got the flu and sick, but I have never been this normal in my life.

My normality comes back last Sunday, when I finally acknowledge my weakness and vulnerability to others. I was usually too ashamed to admit about my weaknesses and too prideful that I don’t want people to look down at me.

I feel that I have wasted my 2 years wondering in a chaotic atmosphere. I was homesick, depressed, and did not know what to do and what I wanted. In my whole life I have never been in the lower wheel. It took me sometime to get through it. Throwing away that negative emotion and that negative feeling.

I have never been such a failure in my whole academic life. My academic life is pretty much my life. I used to be the top star, but now I feel like I am an imposter in and out, that nothing that I can brag or present to others and be prideful about it. Literally nothing.

I know that I have become stronger. But does it really need that 2 years of time? The 2 years I feel that had gone. I wish I could go back to my freshman year with the emotion and attitude that I have now. I wish.

Now, I have to believe that God will give me a bright future when I know myself that my 2 years have wasted. In all things, I need to trust in HIM.