I.Must.Resist : Envying

Things that I Must Resist:

  1. I must resist envying other people

Well basically that is the only one thing that I must resist.

Envying on other people’s life means not being grateful to oneself. It is hard to do, it is hard not envying on others. I envy on people who I feel “better” than me.  Well maybe it is hard to explain what “better” means.

The thing is:

I don’t envy people who are smarter than me.

I don’t envy people who are prettier than me.

I don’t envy people who are richer than me.

But I envy on the people WHO GOT IT ALL or the people who does not got it all but in a POSITION THAT I WANT.

People who got it all are the people who are born with good looks, a sharp brain, and born in a wealthy family. They are so lucky. They can achieve all 3 things that are better than me.

But I should not envy on them (well I will try), because:

1. Good looks

Good looks are relative and it is God given. I cannot blame people who have good looks.

2. Sharp brain

It is also God given. I know those people make an effort to succeed in their life. So it is both God given and man’s works.

3. Wealth

We cannot choose where we are born, and I must always remember that it is their parent who are rich, not them.

Okay, once again I must say that I still envy those people, because those people have better opportunity than most people. They are more likely go to the top schools, well I think that the thing that I am envying is that those people can have better life than most average people. THE “I WANT TO BE IN THEIR POSITION” type of envy. The “If I Could Be Like Them, My Life Would Be So Much Wonderful” type of envy. Maybe it is because I see it as an unfairness. It is unfair that some people could HAVE IT ALL. Why does those people could have it all? Why are they born so lucky?

And if I see myself, would people think I am also lucky? Would there be people who also envying on me? I don’t know. I think it is human nature that we want the best for our life. We want to have a perfect life. That we simply want the best for ourselves. That we see others as competition.



Strengths and Weaknesses

Today, I am going to brainstorm all my strengths and weaknesses, because I need to acknowledge them in respect of finding out my life, to say, it is a way to find my core and values so I can be fruitful in the future.

I have once done some kind of a test with my fingers, it is called finger print test. The test shows the core strengths that was given to each person since the day they were born.

Here are the positive outcomes of the test result:

  1. Interpersonal : 12%
  2. Logic-Mathematics : 5%
  3. Linguistic : 3%

And the other traits that I am not so good at:

  1. Intrapersonal : -0.xx%
  2. Visual Spatial
  3. Musical
  4. Bodily Kinesthetic
  5. Naturalistic

I have been having trouble with this fact, because I really don’t understand myself. To say, I just could not see it in myself. Really. I did not know what it meant, especially my number 1 strength. I took the tests when I was 17 and I need 4 years to figure it out – to actually mean something – to actually understand it.

I conclude that these are my strengths and passions:

  1. I am very good at analyzing stuff, and making connections between events or some sorts. I could analyze different subjects, but what I love most is analyzing human behavior.
  2. I am good at making logical connections and explanations, and seeing details to try to figure a bigger picture.
  3. I like to see patterns and see how are things connected.
  4. I don’t get mad easily.
  5. I love to talk and telling stories. I am a story teller.
  6. I love to listen to other people’s stories. I am a listener.
  7. I love being the center of attention.
  8. I love being around people and I love being alone.
  9. I am good at making jokes.
  10. I am good at making words.
  11. I am exuberant.
  12. I am a right brain person.
  13. I think creatively.
  14. I could imagine stuff that outside this world.
  15. I love making decision, and then act on them.
  16. I love to manage people.
  17. I have a big sense of empathy. I could feel how other people felt.
  18. I love organizing people, but I love to work alone on things that I am extremely focus on.
  19. I don’t judge people that much.
  20. I am very positive towards things.
  21. I am an actuator.
  22. I am futuristic. I like to set goals.
  23. I am competitive.
  24. I am very confident when I feel relaxed.
  25. I dream big.
  26. I am good at acting and mimicking.
  27. I am excited at new things.
  28. I love challenges.
  29. I defend my friends.
  30. I can somewhat make mediocre drawings.
  31. I am more of a thinker than a doer.
  32. I love philosophical questions.
  33. I believe that nothing is impossible.
  34. I found myself to be wise sometimes.
  35. I can get close to the people I want.
  36. Fun personality.
  37. I think logically, analytically, strategically, and critically.
  38. I am a debater.
  39. I am faithful to God and to the ones I love.
  40. I love talking in front of people.
  41. I love being on stage.
  42. I am good at writing.

My weaknesses:

  1. I am not a practical person.
  2. I don’t like working with machines or natural things.
  3. I hate experiments.
  4. I got mood swings.
  5. I need time to adjust to things or environment.
  6. I am shy.
  7. I think too much.
  8. I over stressed myself.
  9. I hate being told to do.
  10. Impatient.
  11. Messy.
  12. Prideful, I guess.
  13. Take blame on someone else.
  14. Bad at sports.
  15. Bad at memorizing.
  16. Cannot handle to much work load.
  17. I hate history.
  18. I am not an art person.
  19. I am not very good at music.
  20. I am not a visual person. That means I am bad at architecture, designs, etc.
  21. I could be emotional.
  22. I cannot sing.
  23. I don’t feel confident when I feel like an imposter.
  24. I am good at math, bad at coding and algorithms. 😦
  25. I hate sciences, like physics, chemistry, and biology.
  26. Bad at engineering.
  27. I am not able to focus very long in a passive task.
  28. I easily trust people.
  29. I tend to forget things.
  30. I have trouble in figuring out what I want in life.
  31. I envy others’ success.
  32. Impolite, I guess.
  33. Procrastinator.
  34. I have a hard time explaining things to other people

After knowing all my strengths and weaknesses, if I were given a chance to turn back time and choose my major, I think I would be choosing something in these lines:

  1. Mathematics
  2. Statistics
  3. Economics
  4. Finance
  5. Psychology
  6. Marketing
  7. HR
  8. Communications

After I think about it, I used to think it is all about the money. In what area can I get money? But the right thing is, is not about the money. It is about doing what you like and the money will follow.

It is about being at the core of your strength, and with that you will do it energeticly and whole heartedly. Someday with that strength you will make people to follow you and give you money.

It is about enjoying life at something you like. Money will come after.

I Want A Normal Life

My life is not normal.

I wish it was normal but it isn’t.

My head is hurting right now and before I write this post.

I just don’t know where to start.

The only thing that I could say is just I have to carry a heavy burden each day for the rest of my life.

Not just I have to carry a cross in my neck for the rest of my life, but I also have to carry a heavy cross in my life.

The sad part is I don’t know with whom I can share this burden.

My life is hard to explain.

Just too many things happen.

I just cannot concentrate in school and classes.

I cannot study.

I cannot work on projects.

All of this happen beyond my control.

I know what it feels now to be CHOSEN.

To be the anointed one.

To be called by God.

To be the “SPECIAL” one.

I just do not understand God’s plan in my life.



God, I want to cry to You everyday.

GOD, help me…..

Help me through my classes.

Help me through my life.

I want to start over from freshman year if I can.

I miss too many stuffs from my class.

I don’t know where to start.