You Are Not Somebody Else

There was a time when I was not confident of myself,

a time when I was not sure of myself,

a time when I was looking for my true self,

a time when I need someone to look up to,

and I realize that I want to be someone else,

because I need something to be reached and back then looking at other people’s success was some kind of a motivation for me,

but then I realized that my path and their path is different,

from the moment of birth, we have different path,

so I have to change my way and everything,

that for me, I have to focus on what I wanted-not because I want to be like someone else.

A Reason : Computer Science

I try to find my reasons of choosing Computer Science, this way it helps me to stay focus on my purpose and not regretting of my decision.

Well basically my ultimate reason is this:

I am sorry to say that I choose Computer Science not because my love for it, but because of the opportunity it offers.

Yes, they always say do it for LOVE, etc., but back then I know what I LOVE and I will be greatly happy if I am in that major, BUT there is NO OPPORTUNITY for me in that field, so I have to accept the fact , the reality, and make other choices that somehow in the future will be USEFUL.

I always have this ambitious attitude for myself, so I try to break the record, and I compare this within my family, at least to say my parents. My dad currently works from 6-5 every work days in a Petroleum company. He makes a lot of money in a Petroleum Company, but somehow I see something in my dad’s life that I don’t want to be. Yes, of course I want to have a lot of money and make a living out of myself, but I don’t want to just only working for a company, I want to OWN a company. I hate time clocks. I hate to leave early to avoid the traffic, and also leaving home in a traffic jam. I hate to be always a subordinate for the rest of my life, not able to do entirely of my will.

So that’s why I want to have a startup. Even though I work with some company I know I will not be able to stay long there, but …. there is some concern that I am thinking, that is my biological clock. I am a woman, and I know my “expired age” is like 29-30,  and by the age 25 and up I want to have a serious relationship with someone. That means I want to have a stable career somehow, and I think I might be scared to start my own startup by that age. The other thing is I might be too tired from work and afraid to left my job to focus on my dream. So I have set my own goal now and I am not afraid to do it. WHY?

  1. I am still in college, I don’t have the burden to make money YET.
  2. They don’t look at my GPA when looking for a job, so I probably have the tendency to be more “relax” on my GPA.
  3. I still have the resources that I needed in college, that’s why I want to try.
  4. I pretty much prefer to have a successful startup than going to grad school.
  5. I am not mentally ill anymore, no depression, no heart break, no stress.

What if it fails?

  1. I still have a story to tell in my job interview, it is a resume check!
  2. Experience is the best teacher, I am still young, if I fail, then try try again. Sometime it does not succeed in the first try, eventually if you are persistent you are going to succeed anyway.
  3. I am not afraid if I fail, because God promise me that I will have a bright future anyway, so He will bless me in my work.

Why didn’t I start earlier?

  1. I was unsure of my decision. I was mentally unstable. I had a big dream, but I was afraid, I did not know what to do at that time.
  2. I had severe depression in my second year so I was confuse of many things in my life, I lost interest in life, I can’t study, I can’t focus, I don’t know myself, I was like,”What am I doing in my life? Am I taking the right route?” I even forget my reason of choosing Computer Science. I was questioning if it were my passion. I try to get away. I try to find other routes, but still I am in Computer Science because my parents won’t let me change my major. I accept the fact and return for my third year.
  3. I recover from depression, but I still confuse of my life, I feel like I was in the dessert. I try many things still, but still no aim or goal. I had the  imposter syndrome, trying to flee from reality and hope that there’s some magic that can save me from this route that I am stuck with. I was unable to focus for a couple of months because of “something”. But now, I am relieve because of that “something” had gone away. It needed some time to recover like 2 months.

By majoring in Computer Science, I have the background for my startup, everything is about technology now. I was in pre business at that time and I realize that I don’t have  to have a business degree to start my own business. It was a very risky decision, I was really really betting my future on something that I just come up with or dream with in an unknown field that I just heard for less than 6 months. I am pretty sure I don’t know what I am getting myself into. So there I was up until now in Computer Science, a risky decision that I made when I was 18.

So that is the summary of my journey after I left high school. I have found what I was searching for, it needed time and also many thoughts and trials but somehow I feel alive again.

Now I feel excited. This is going to be a great journey.

Where do I go from here?

I am pretty sad right now.

I just struck by reality that somehow before was an ignorance.

I didn’t care before with my surroundings and did not know what to do with my future.

I did not know myself before.

I screw up big time.

Now, I feel lost.

Don’t know where to go.

But, I still feel lucky that I have a decency to think clearly now with a stable emotion.

I just need a break from everything.

I wish I had time to explore myself more before.

The “I” when I was in high school was not the “I” now.

People change, reality change, dreams change.

Now I am lost.

What should I do? Where should I go?

God, I wish you just could speak to me and give me a sense of direction.

You, giving me free will –  sometimes I hate it.

That Exact Personality & That Exact List

Okay, a couple of days ago I posted about The Lists of The One You’re Searching For , and also That One Thing … , I pretty much understand myself clearly now after I reflected my life and also thinking again about those two topics.

In Admiration or Compatibility Part 1 , people asked me about the kind of guy I like and when I was writing that I pretty much have a broad understanding of what the kind of guy I like, but now I pretty much have an exact answer to that question.

So this will be my answer on the One Thing I am looking for :

“The guy that I am looking for, have to have a fun, youthful, playful, happy, funny personality.”

That’s it. I am only attracted to that kind of person and I can’t be attracted to a person who don’t have this kind of personality even though he has other “great” personalities (smart, kind, religious, sporty, a musician, etc.).

The reason behind why I am only attracted to that kind of specific personality is because I identify myself with also that personality, or I can say that that is my strongest personality. Taken that into knowledge, so I am very sensitive with a person who genuinely have that personality. When I say genuinely, I mean that that is his strongest personality.

The reasons of why I concluded “that personality” are:
1. I was grown up with a family full of “Jesters”. My two brothers and my mom are the funniest people that I know besides known comedians. My brothers and I, we can laugh the whole night until 2 am exchanging jokes. We can tease each other and laugh about it. We can play together like kids even though all of us are out of high school. We are very expressive, fun, and funny at the same time. When my brothers were out of the house, I usually tease and joke around with my mom targeting my dad. I have a really unusual relationship with my parents. I really really can tease my dad (tag teaming with my mom) and we are just okay with it. This is the major or main reason of why I am attracted to that kind of personality, because most of my life I spend with that kind of atmosphere in my home.
2. I have the best time of my life in the eight grade. I love the eight grade, my friends are the best! Up until now we are still close and can remember of how great it was when we were in the eight grade. My friends are very fun, we were jokers, we used to laugh, make fun of and tease each other a lot. I remember how I can laugh insanely loud when I was in the eight grade. It was the best time! It was the greatest group of friends that I never could imagine of. Not any other group of friends that can replace my eight grade group of friends. We were fun, funny, and happy people.
3. I know that I have a lot of good friends, best friends, etc. and I know that I can mingle with a lot of different personalities, but somehow I just know that I feel convenient and I can get close fast with one specific particular personality that my friend has. My best friend from high school ( a girl btw) and I still used to chat and tell each other stories even though we are not at the same college and country. Somehow we still contact each other and can feel close when in fact I lost contact with other of my good friends. I just realize because somehow she also has that kind of personality that I am looking for. This make me think as an evidence that I can go in the long run with a person with this kind of personality.

When I spot someone with this kind of personality somehow I just kind of “knew it”. I don’t know why but I feel this kind of strange familiarity. I feel like that person can “completes” me, that we can compliment each other. I feel like I am very drawn to that person and it is very very easy to communicate with that person. It is very strange but somehow we can be close in a very short period of time. In just a couple of hours!

I realize that subconsciously I am looking for a person that has an atmosphere like my family, my eight grade friends, and my high school friend. The atmosphere where I feel most content and convenient that somehow feels like an ecstasy because I am happiest and comfortably just be myself around those kind of people.
I also realize that if I want to spend my entire life with one person, that person got to have “that kind of personality”, because my entire life I was brought up in that kind of atmosphere within my family so I just cannot imagine to live with a person who don’t have that personality, I rather be single than choosing less.

Usually people who genuinely have this kind of personality have this traits:
1. They love karaoke.
2. They love dancing.
3. They are funny.
4. They love theme parks.
5. They are positive people.
6. They are playful.
7. They are not shy.
8. They seem to be always happy.
9. They can be teased and do not get mad.
10. They also can tease people.
11. They are energetic.

With that, I also want to add my Must-Have List :
1. Fun, youthful, playful, happy, funny personality
2. Smart (I like to engage in a debate so that person has to be smart)
3. Confident
4. Outgoing
5. Mature
6. A leader
7. Assertive
8. Have principles
9. Competitive
10. In the same religion
11. Open minded
12. Responsible
13. Positive

My Must Not Have List :
1. Sensitive
2. Talks bad words
3. Reserved
4. Childish/ A mama’s boy
5. Not expressive
6. Indecisive
7. Racist
8. Close minded
9. Stubborn
10. Smoker
11. Smoking pot/weed
12. Alcoholic

Somehow people do not know what they are looking for and they try with so many people until they know what they are looking for. But it is just simply knowing what kind of person you can really be best friends with. In looking for a partner in life, it is just the same way as being a best friend with someone. In all your life I know that there must be someone in the same sex that somehow you manage can be best friends with for a long time and you feel comfortable with that person, it is just the same way with finding compatibility with the opposite sex.

I hope you Aliens found something that you can learn from here. This is my story. What’s your story?

M.Suge